I have been floating for most of 2008.
And although I did feel some anxiety without direction, I did better with the uncertainty than I ever have before.
Normally, in the absence of a strong beacon off in the future, I am tempted to go down well-worn mental roads towards despair.
“My best is behind me.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I lack purpose.”
But this year, the temptation to backslide was not so strong.
Partially because I remembered that, a year before, I felt lost, too.
Then the HugMobile idea hit. And the divine unfolding of that adventure was the most dramatic demonstration of serendipity and universal flow I’ve ever experienced.
So, at least, intellectually, I know that patience and stillness can yield magical fruits.
But I was still tempted to skip SXSW this year because I felt unworthy. “I’m no longer on the digital frontier. I no longer lead.”
But I remembered the feelings of a year before.
So I summoned the courage to be meek.
And I tried to focus on listening.
(Well, I tried.)
And while I may have missed the meek mark, I did find significant inspiration at SXSW. I got some clarity for a presentation/one man show/tent-revival. I started to brainstorm a traveling multimedia love revolution.
And just like that, a new north star was shining in my spiritual sky. A light to paddle towards as I work to re-find the cosmic current.

Alas, as soon as I got home, I got offered a huge corporate video gig.
Huge for me, at least. Enough for me to justify ordering equipment and hiring staff. The project was well outside my comfort zone. But obviously a great opportunity for me.

What to do?
Turn down the gig and paddle towards the North Star?
I decided to take the job.
Why?
It felt right.
It felt, not like a diversion, but a training.
Kinda like the old joke about the man on the roof during a flood. He turns down rescue boat after rescue boat that comes to save him, saying, “No thank you. God will save me.”
The water rises and rises. And eventually he dies.
At the pearly gates God says, “What the hell is wrong with you!? I sent you 3 boats!!”
I see this project as a raft. Even if it doesn’t carry me to my final destination, it prepares me for the journey.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my current situation of doing everything myself. And I think I’ve managed to produce some pretty good stuff for a self-trained dabbler.
But if I could learn how to utilize and manage resources to create truly professional products, that could be incredible!
Stressful and scary…but incredible.
I had a pre-production meeting today with my Videographer /assistant editor.
I’ve never been to a pre-production meeting.
I’ve never had a videographer.
I was quickly submerged in a world of equipment, guidelines, and technology that I had never been exposed to before.
Part of me was terrified. Another part of me was thrilled.
I don’t *have* to learn how to use all these things. I don’t have to remember all these guidelines.
I just have to learn how to manage talented people.
Vision + Money + talented people = MASSIVE POTENTIAL

This may seem common sense to you. And intellectually, it is to me, too.
But it feels different to me now.
I have a different courage and confidence.
I can do this. With help.
And if I can do this with help… that means “we” can do a whole lot more.
Turning the “Me” into “We” seems to be a common theme for me lately.
Spiritually, creatively, and professionally.
So even though I am paddling hard right now, it doesn’t feel like it is against the current.
Maybe because it doesn’t feel like I’m doing it alone.

Today is my Dad’s birthday.
He is 30 years older than me.
Which is a total trip because it means that when he was my age, he had a 6 year old and a 4 year old. Now my younger brother has a 2 year old and my dad is a grandpa.

There was a time when I thought my dad was in need of my help.
In college, as I began to awaken to the depth of human potential, I saw my dad as a wee bit ignorant.
I even planned a 3 week trip to Costa Rica with him so we could find ourselves…and each other.
In the back of my mind I planned on educating him about the spiritual elements of life that he was missing out on.

Then one gorgeous day under the Costa Rican sun, we took a long walk on a secluded beach.
I started hinting at the aspects of life that I thought he was missing out on. I finally asked him flat out, “what do you really want out of life?”

He thought about it for a minute. We walked along the impossibly white sand beach in silence. Then he answered me with a reply I did not expect.
“More of the same,” my dad said.

And in that instant my relationship with my dad changed forever. And so did my knowledge of myself.

Here I was, full of collegiate arrogance, but totally without any life experience to back it up. And I was attempting to “enlighten” a man who had walked his walk with more integrity than I ever understood before.

My dad is a man raised by immigrants without high school diplomas, and lived out the American dream through hard work and intense intellect.

A man so respected by his peers that a few years after our walk, he was summoned from his successful law practice to serve as a Superior Court Judge.

A man who has raised 2 children, remains faithfully wed to his wife, and maintains relationships with friends from high school and college.

A man who, although he subscribes to no “faith,” lives according to a strict code of honor and ethics FAR more impressive than nearly every “religious” person I’ve ever known.

I thought he was missing out on something.
But I’ve learned that he has everything.

“More of the same.”
What more can you hope for?
Years later I still admire and am awed by the beauty of that answer.

And even though we have our fair share of differences, my respect for my father grows with every day.

Happy Birthday, Pop.
I love you.

(pics taken Xmas 2006)

During last week’s HugNation, I created another “Halcyon-ism.”

(Of course, in that last sentence, I created “Halcyonism”…which is a Halcyon-ism.)

I was talking about how people are far more alike than they are different.

And I was trying to help people visualize the overlap. Kinda like the old Venn Diagrams we see in school. (Two circles overlapping – like the mastercard symbol.)
Except, the whole point is that, even though we *think* we are all unique and different, we are far more similar.
So this human similarity could be graphically represented by two circles almost entirely on top of each other… a “Zen Diagram.”

Watch the video to hear more about how we need to stop identifying ourselves by the tiny things that make us different…and start seeing ourselves as part of that overlapping whole.

(‘Belief Buffet’ & ‘Six Degrees of Non-Separation’ are other Halcyon-isms I use frequently during HugNation.)

The last week has been a challenging one for me.

I struggled with my identity.

I lost track of some core ideas.
Ideas like:
You are always exactly where you are supposed to be.
And, Float more, steer less.

There are a few things that triggered the stumble. But it comes down to comparing myself to others.

ACK!!! The dreaded trap of “Comparison!?!?”

It is a crazy notion, actually: To judge your current situation NOT by how you feel, but in comparison to something external.

Am I happy? I’m not sure… my neighbor’s lawn is greener, but my car is better. My girlfriend is hot, but most the guys at the office have HiDef TV’s.

Ridiculous, of course…but it is easy to slip into thought patterns like that. Hell, most advertisements train us to think that way.

My issue this last week was comparing my life path to fellow internet visionaries.

Oh my! Look at that glowing article about them! Wow! What an awesome idea they have developed!! What an impressive company they have built! Look at those pageviews!!!

I think I feel a little shame for not pushing harder to create a real company. I had a few business ideas…and I didn’t follow through.

Being in another Startup seemed too hard and scary.

Over time I’ve seen companies develop ideas similar to the ones I had. So I become an enthusiastic user.

Hello, my screen name is HumblePie71.

In times of sanity, I recognize that I am applying irrational judgment on these things.
(Alas, the sane times can be rare.)

Much of my recent feelings were sparked by the upcoming SXSW conference.
I’ve been going to the tech gathering for 10 years. In the early days, I spoke on panels and even hosted the web awards. Along the way, many colleagues & friends have written books, started empires, and created wonderful things that have become a part of modern culture.

And here I am without even a mention on Wikipedia.

Ouch! There’s Pride stinging ya again!

Pride is one of the vicious beasts unleashed when you fall into a state of Comparison.

But when I am still with myself, I know that ALL of this pride and doubt is in total opposition to everything my spiritual practice has entailed the last few years.

First of all, making a comparison has the inherent falsehood that I know what is “best.”

How could I possibly know that being the CEO of Google is “better” than being a lifeguard at the beach?

To believe that such a comparison is even possible is to believe in an external measuring stick. Obviously that is crazy.

The only true measuring stick is happiness.

Unfortunately, I got so focused on my missed opportunities, that I forgot that I was happy.

I got pulled into an old story of mine. The “white picket fence” story where “happiness” is measured by prestige, pride, and accomplishments.

But I know better.

I know that my true happiness comes from following my heart and coming from love.

I am lucky that that path has also provided me with a decent living and had it’s share of prestige and accomplishments.

But it would be a huge mistake to start focusing on those things as proof of my joy.
It would be totally counterproductive to draw value from my life by counting accomplishments.

This is something I still struggle with…even during my best times.

And during weeks like this, as the SXSW wunderkinds start printing up stickers of their latest mind-blowing ideas, it takes extra work for me to stay balanced.

***

There are a few mental “tricks” I’ve been using to help myself get back to sanity.

1) Asking myself if I am happy.
Nothing makes me see the insanity quicker than this question.
It is a special kind of crazy to lose the joy of a moment because you compare it to another option. It’s like having a wonderful meal and becoming focused on the 6 course dinner I’m missing out on.
Am I not filling my belly? Am I not enjoying the taste? Do I even know that I would LIKE the 6 course meal? Or that it would be good for me?

This is the “Baywatch Trap.” All over the world, people who were content for years suddenly had access to American television. In an instant, they realized what they were missing and fell into the comparison trap. (Sadly, one of the by products of this particular trap is the International Stardom of David Hasslehoff. But that is a different essay, altogether.)

2) Focus on the good things about the choices I *did* make.
When I look back on the last couple years, I really couldn’t be happier about how I spent my energies. Tons of family time & more effort towards spiritual growth than ever before. I realize that this is still a comparison mentality, but it at least helps snap me back into measuring what is important.

The reality is I did not make as much professional and creative progress as I used to. But it is not the miles covered…it is the direction headed.

3) Looking at lives I admire.
Wealth and power are not even things I value. When I start to want them, it is usually when external voices start creeping in.
It has been an amazing blessing to listen to Jacob Glass lecture each week. In addition to sharing amazing wisdom, he also shares his personal path. I am inspired by his choices towards personal truth and away from societal pressures. He is not a traditional financial success, but his wealth of integrity is massive. So even though his bank account may be modest, his needs are always taken care. He does not advertise. He does not promote. He simply walks his walk. And the truth is loud enough, that people hear and support him. His lack of ambition has been an inspiration to me.

The important thing for me to remember is that this path is one of many many small steps. And trips and stumbles should be expected.

Truth be told, I am actually encouraged by how quickly I was able to regain my footing this time.
And as I pack my bags for SXSW, I am happy, humble, excited, and sane.

some thoughts on angels, souls, and spirit…

The only thing I know, is that I don’t know anything.

And one thing I recognize that I know nothing about is spirits, angels, aliens, ESP, Out of body experiences, or any “outside every day reality” experiences.

(more…)

In a lecture recently, Jacob Glass shared his experiences with a men’s naked yoga class. Thankfully, it wasn’t at all what I expected to hear.

I’m sure there were nightmare moments with a room full of men in downward dog. I mean, there are some angles of scrotum-viewing that should only be seen by doctors.

But what Jacob shared was the sense of liberation.

And one of the things that struck me was the awareness that, in this naked state, we are without many of our tools of judgment. Without fashion, we lose much of the “evidence” of how we are different.

Ahh, what a glorious thing. To lose the clues we use to separate us.

(more…)

**I’m going to try to start writing and posting more WRDS again**

While I love the idea of “getting back to nature,” I recognize that nature is a vicious place.

(more…)