I am sexless. I mean, I have a sex. I’m male. It’s just that I’m not having sex.

Normally I can handle the celibacy thing, but this springtime vibe is killing me. Its starting to get really distracting.



Its not my fault. Its Springtime. Its warm and there’s crazy pollen in the air. Birds and bees are spreading flower semen all over the place. There’s a whole lot of secreting going on.



The other day my Dad asked me to skim the pool of all the pollen, then added, “we wouldn’t have to clean it so often if we could keep the tree from jerking-off so much.”



Well I can sympathize with the poor tree. The springtime vibe has a death-grip on my loins, too.

I’m masturbating 2x a day. This is remarkable, as I haven’t been able to break the 1x/day barrier since I was in Jr. High. I’m a testosterone milkshake. And I’m having physical manifestations to prove it: I’m getting boners all the time. I haven’t felt this randy in years. I wonder If my voice is gonna change again?



God, it was embarrassing getting erections in jr. high. I remember watching the clock and hoping there was enough time for my hard-on to go away before the next passing period. Back then, I also wore a sweatshirt tied around my waist every day to hide the inevitable uprisings.

Maybe I should tie a sweatshirt around my waist at work to help me with my current “problem.”



I doubt that’s considered “business attire.”



There’s not really much consideration for “boner-hiding” in male business attire. I guess I could wear my tie really long to cover my…wait, no that would just direct everyone’s attention to my crotch. Sigh.



And while I’m on the subject, why is it so wrong to have an erection? Why is this natural occurrence so horribly embarrassing? I mean, I get hard-ons for no reason all the time. Every day. I hardly think that qualifies me as a sex offender.



Like last Wednesday, I’m driving back from lunch hour. My belly’s full, my car is warm inside from the sun, and …hey, looky there!…I’m engorged!



So a couple blocks later, I’m back at work. I’m sitting in the parking lot and It’s still there. What do I do? Try to hide it as I quickly dart to my cubicle, like a kid concealing stolen goods from a shopkeeper ? I would be scared the boss would step out from around a corner and demand, “You there! What have you got stashed there in your trousers!!?”



Hiding it makes it feel so shameful. And that doesn’t feel right. I’m not ashamed that I get erections. It happens. Just like people burp. Sure, its rude to burp loud and be obnoxious about it…but if you let out some bodily gases with a demure, “excuse me”, I think that is socially acceptable. It is certainly considered more acceptable behavior than walking around with an erection. And it’s not like I’m going around, rubbing it on people. I just have it. You wouldn’t judge someone for having a big pimple, would you? And yet men have even less control of REOs (Random Erection Occurrences)!!!

I say: next time one of us men gets an erection in a public place, we wear it proudly! Tell the world, “Yes! I am virile!” Do you think if enough of us did it, we could pull it off? I’m in. Anyone else?

(And we could use women’s support, too…maybe a word of encouragement or a casual compliment? )

Background:

In Jan of 2001, I was contacted by MTV News and Docs division. They were looking for people to film in a show about sex online. I told them about Globalgasm (which had JUST started) and they started drooling.

Filming

They flew out and filmed for a day. After meeting us, they altered the “script” of the show to be more focused on us.

Then they flew out and followed us with cameras for 4 days. They filmed a party at our house. Fire dancing friends. A night out at a club. Daily Life. Lots of interviews with me and the housemates. And two Globalgasm nights.

FYI: Having an MTV film crew entourage follow you to your favorite dance club can be a surreal treat.

The documentary was originally supposed to air in June 2001. It was postponed, then 9-11 happened, then postponed again.

The original version of the show was rejected by the MTV standards committee. MTV has been humbled by lawsuits over the last year and was afraid that the sex-positive message was dangerous to broadcast to children.

The director told me, “It was perfect for HBO’s ‘RealSex’…unfortunately, much of MTVs audience is 13-18.”

The director shot additional footage and re-edited the show to show more of the negative consequences to being naked online. They blurred out all our URLs so kids couldn’t find our sites. They removed the scenes of fire dancing. They even altered the audio so you didn’t hear us say “globalgasm” out loud. As one person commented, “it sounded like you were saying, “Gulpgasm.”

The new version of the show was scheduled for June, then finally aired on July 4^th 2002.

The Show

Overall I was pleased with the show. We were the center of three basic story lines and then miscellaneous commentary by “internet users.”

There was 7 minutes of me, Globalgasm, and TheRealHouse.

Aside from the fact that they kinda played up the “Hal and his Harem” angle, I thought those 7 minutes were awesome. The other stuff was…predictably lame. The person who got the worst out of the deal was “Adam” the voyeur. He had a pet pig, and they attached an image or sound of a squealing pig to most of his commentary. He was clearly made out to be the stooge (and it made his criticism of us sound weak).

The ending was misleading and made it look like the projects are over. Considering the pressure from MTVs lawyers,however, this editing decision makes sense.

In my mind, the show ends when I say, “I have hope for the world.” And NOT when Leilani,
in her born-again enthusisam, accuses her ex-housemates of being weird and crazy. At least the show put her comments in perspective when they put text on the screen saying that she left the house and “found god.”

My favorite part was a 6 spilt-screen scene. My head in interview jumps from screen to screen as scenes of sexiness play in the other 5 screens.

“I recognize that living like this is not normal…People email us and say, ‘sex is something that should be private and sacred!’ Wha?! Those are two different things ‘private’ and ‘sacred.’ Church is sacred,
and its not private. It is too bad that things that are sacred, meaning that they are core to our existence, should be hidden and shameful.”

Did I say that? Right on!!

My Reactions

Ya know how in movies, when people have a flashback, it’s real-time footage of exactly what really happened in the past?

But in reality, when you look back on the past, it is through the haze of time and the filters of perceptions.

Well, it was ODD to watch documentary footage of my life 16 months ago through the crystal clear perspective of a cinematic flashback.

16 months ago I was madly in love with MissM.

Watching myself in a state of love-bliss was emotional. It brought back such feelings of joy. After the show I was struck with a sense of loneliness.

That strikes me as an odd sensation considering that I just appeared in thousands of homes around the country, but I did feel very alone and unsettled.

Afterwards I touched base with MissM and several friends who were close throughout the last 2 years. I hung out in chat and talked to members of CitizenX as well as new visitors who (through Google) found the site after seeing the show.

I felt *odd*. Its hard to explain. It was a unique experience.

Part of the odd feelings had to do with the culmination of so many months of expectations. This documentary was originally supposed to air over a year ago.

That was A LOT of time to build up expectations and anxiety. In some ways the whole process was good for me learn to have distance from things out of my control.

There was a second, Business-type expectation for the show. The owner of TheRealhouse was really hoping that the press would get us some sign-ups
and help make the project less of a money-loser. We got 5 signups. Nice, but not the kinda boost we hoped for. I’m trying now to keep the show and the business results separate in my mind.

Overall I’m pleased. I wish it would have been on at a different time so that more people would have seen. As explosive as my views may be, they don’t really compete with fireworks on 4^th of July.

So even if it didn’t spread my message to the world, it was quite a ride. And I have 7 minutes of kick-ass footage from my life.

Twenty years ago I remember telling my cable company, “I want my MTV.” I had no idea this is how it would all turn out.