SPRING HAS SPRUNG!!!

And from everything I’ve every been told about birds & bees, this is SEXY TIME!

But let me just clarify that the birds and the bees story is not to be taken literally. I’ll never forget the first time I poured honey down my pants and tried to have sex with an Ostrich.

It took 3 or 4 gnarly kicks to the head before I realized that birds, even flightless ones, need to a bit of romance to get in the mood.

But once there are sparks…let me tell you, “Once you go feather, you’ll never have better!”

Over the weekend, Andicat and I made discovered this Little known Dharma Initiative training video that explains the Pornographic intentions of the Hanso Foundation. (Includes sample clip from LOST Porn movie, “Arctic Heart, Tropic Loins”)

PLEASE SHARE WITH LOST FANS!

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I write a humorous (NSFW) newsletter for a client. This is from the Vday edition:

Is there anything worse than Valentine’s Day?

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old spice hair and body wash:

I’m the #1 Google result for “ping pong balls shoot out of vagina”

It is hard to argue with pancakes.

# Dress like a mime for visits to my girlfriend’s parents’ house. Answer every question with “I’m trapped in an invisible box.” gestures.
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# Finally finish my excrement sculpture.
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# Wear a helmet while driving and get a bumper sticker that says, “Airbags are for cheaters.”
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# Start wearing a cape. (But get my girlfriend to stop saying, “faster than a speeding bullet.”)
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# Change my voter registration to the “HugNation” party.
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# Instead of a wallet, carry my money in a burlap sack with a “$” on it like they have in movie robberies.
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# Try my hand at log rolling.
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# Petition insurance carriers to recognize the medicinal uses of pornography.
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# Shave off my eyebrows and draw them back on in a constantly “surprised” arch.
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# Whittle a spoon out of a larger wooden spoon.
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# Stand on a street corner with a “WILL WORK FOR BANDWIDTH” sign.
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# Streak the winter Olympics.
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# Explain to everyone who sees me streaking the concept of cold and “shrinkage.”
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# Work to make orange “Cheeto fingers” a vogue fashion trend in Paris
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# Fight that public indecency charges on “Freedom of Religion” grounds.
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# Embrace the healing benefits of urine drinking.

# 22 Halcyon Pink doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
# 23 Halcyon Pink once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

get the whole list… (and switch out my name for your’s)

# Learn to determine remaining battery life with my tongue.
# Master the Lundy Hop.
# Floss.
# Force those punks to let me play their reindeer games
# Protest non-primary colors.
# Impregnate a reptile.
# Up my brie intake to 2 wheels/day.
# Read the fine print.
# Pick which side is my “good side.”
# Conquer my fear of cotton.
# Regain my tetherball Championship.
# Patent my spanking machine.
# Stop teasing gravity.
# Skip to work at least 1 day a week.
# Skip work at least 1 day a week.
# Debate artificial flavors and colors.
# Tackle adversity. Tie him up. Tar and feather him.
#Have my “Marry me, Brittany” tattoo covered up with a Celtic design or something.
# Stop blood doping for regional athletic competitions and weekend masturbation sessions.
# Ask Mom to stop calling me “Fucko.”
# Find a teeter-totter partner closer to my age (and weight).
# Buy my *own* blow-up doll.

Goals for the New Year I made a few years ago:

• Stop using the phrase, “stinky finger.”

• Wean myself off Phonics (I’m hooked)

• Convince my Dad that he’s gay.

• Avoid Subway Sandwiches (Life is too short to eat a sub where the Mayo is applied with a squeeze-bottle)

• Rip out Puff Daddy’s vocal cords and flay him mercilessly across the buttocks.

• Figure out what’s causing that rash.

• Limber-up enough to perform self-fellatio (If I achieve this, my blog will go on an indefinite hiatus)

• Apologize to each member of the NFL for failing to take an interest in their sport.

• Get all my friends to sign my cast. (break arm if necessary)

• Get over my necrophilia hang-up.

• Lobby to get “Y” the full vowel status it deserves.

• Learn to tell the difference between a “normal” and an “unhealthy” discharge

  
  

• Only wear fur coats that block harmful UV rays.

• Read the articles in Playboy ( I hear they’re very good)

• Boycott all Marijuana grown in Iraq.

• Work to lift the taboo on the words, “felching” and “smegma”

• Stop staring at my co-workers breasts while they talk.

• Only listen to music that utilizes F sharp in a flattering way.