# Learn to determine remaining battery life with my tongue.
# Master the Lundy Hop.
# Floss.
# Force those punks to let me play their reindeer games
# Protest non-primary colors.
# Impregnate a reptile.
# Up my brie intake to 2 wheels/day.
# Read the fine print.
# Pick which side is my “good side.”
# Conquer my fear of cotton.
# Regain my tetherball Championship.
# Patent my spanking machine.
# Stop teasing gravity.
# Skip to work at least 1 day a week.
# Skip work at least 1 day a week.
# Debate artificial flavors and colors.
# Tackle adversity. Tie him up. Tar and feather him.
#Have my “Marry me, Brittany” tattoo covered up with a Celtic design or something.
# Stop blood doping for regional athletic competitions and weekend masturbation sessions.
# Ask Mom to stop calling me “Fucko.”
# Find a teeter-totter partner closer to my age (and weight).
# Buy my *own* blow-up doll.

This was recorded a few years ago. But I love that his wisdom and love remains a part of my life.

Goals for the New Year I made a few years ago:

• Stop using the phrase, “stinky finger.”

• Wean myself off Phonics (I’m hooked)

• Convince my Dad that he’s gay.

• Avoid Subway Sandwiches (Life is too short to eat a sub where the Mayo is applied with a squeeze-bottle)

• Rip out Puff Daddy’s vocal cords and flay him mercilessly across the buttocks.

• Figure out what’s causing that rash.

• Limber-up enough to perform self-fellatio (If I achieve this, my blog will go on an indefinite hiatus)

• Apologize to each member of the NFL for failing to take an interest in their sport.

• Get all my friends to sign my cast. (break arm if necessary)

• Get over my necrophilia hang-up.

• Lobby to get “Y” the full vowel status it deserves.

• Learn to tell the difference between a “normal” and an “unhealthy” discharge

  
  

• Only wear fur coats that block harmful UV rays.

• Read the articles in Playboy ( I hear they’re very good)

• Boycott all Marijuana grown in Iraq.

• Work to lift the taboo on the words, “felching” and “smegma”

• Stop staring at my co-workers breasts while they talk.

• Only listen to music that utilizes F sharp in a flattering way.

Happy XMAS to you!!!

Join me for a festive hug at 1pm!! We’ll talk about new beginnings, and I’ll play a special message from grandpa.

And if you’ve been following the fun at Eggnography.com, check out this year’s wacky 2.0 letter & gift for Santa.

(and here’s a little something extra we left for him)

p.s. to get you in the hugging mood, Here’s highlights from last week’s kickass hug:

copy/paste the below to post this banner and share the yuletide love!

<a href=http://www.eggnography.com/12/ target=_blank><img src=”http://www.eggnography.com/images/07.gif” alt=”eggnography.com” /></a>

Some pics from a wonderful afternoon:

Today is the final day of my 12 days of Xmas at Eggnography.com!

I hope you enjoy the very special Xmas video I made for you, and I hope you’ve enjoyed all the fun!

(I also posted a video from last Xmas - in the hospital with Grandpa - behind the cut.)

…make sure it it’s the once-banned classic, “The Fifth Day of Channukah: The Day of Uncertainty.”

That’s right! In honor of the first night of Channukah, Today’s Eggnography.com entry is 100% Kosher sorta based on the Holiday.

In today’s episode I explain my families warped “comedic gifts for Santa” tradition (as well as share a couple examples.)

I wanted to give you a sneak preview of my secret little xmas project: Eggnography.com

I’m going to post a video (or something) for each of the 12 days of Xmas.  Most are about past Xmas adventures or silly family traditions of mine. And there will be a free gift for YOU, too.